The past week has been like a mini rollercoaster ride. I got to have a mini vacation to the beach Monday & Tuesday, which was glorious. I don't know what I was expecting when I came back though. I walked in and it was like chaos. The thing that was the gut wrencher was Derek kept Sean up and he didn't even seem to be interested in me. He shyed away. I wanted to head straight to bed. I had been having internal issues as well that had to be talked out with Derek and when he finally came to bed, we talked. I think things are back on a level platform, even though I cried a little when he left this evening (of course some of it had to do with me slamming part of the top of my hand into my dresser - ouch!).

I am finally getting to the point of wanting the house back. Haha. I knew it would happen eventually. It is nice having family live here and such, but I am ready to be just the three of us again. This past January was our first time ever living on our own, just the three of us.

News on buying the house, we got denied for a small loan to put as a down payment on this place, so it looks like we are either not going to purchase it or try and save up $3,000 to $5,000 ourselves. We are horrible at saving. But at the same time, if my parents can get back on their feet again soon, we do have a place we can get without really putting a down payment on, that is probably about the same distance from Derek's work and is $200 cheaper a month. Derek's sister is trying to find a bigger place to move into and wants to move before her youngest starts school (she is three). She had told us we could take over the payments and live there if we wanted, but had told us this about the time my parents needed a place to move into. The monthly payment is $420 a month. It is a doublewide like we are living in now. We would probably do some slight remodeling to make it something we would really enjoy living in too. It is a level lot (unlike the hill we live on now), and already has a fenced in backyard. The schools are good schools. And she could tell us how much everything normally runs for them, so we could budget for it. Which the extra $200 we would have a month would be awesome. I am rather excited if everything goes that way. I love their kitchen too. It is better laid out than our little boxed-in kitchen. Hehe. But of course I am not getting my hopes up, just upping the house we may move into some.

I have learned lately that I need to quit expecting, quite so much. I get excited or anticipate certain things and they never happen. It upsets me and then I am in a pissy mood for a few hours until I get cheered up or fall asleep. It is something else I am going to try and work on.

Tomorrow we may ride with some friends down to the beach and watch the fireworks. Since Derek isn't here this weekend (went to visit some Marine buddies up in NC for the weekend), I am kind of open to anything anyone is doing, as long as Sean can tag along. I definitely won't be partying, haha, not like I do that anyways. I hope Sean enjoys the fireworks. While I was out picking up a new wireless internet connector (our old one finally died a few days ago), one of our neighbors decided to shoot off some fireworks and my mom said it woke him up to the point he was crying. Poor lil' man.

But I am off to re-decorate my nails for tomorrow (I was wet-sanding my fender for the car today and the paint on my nails chipped of bad). I hope everyone has a safe and Happy Fourth of July!

I sat down tonight and wrote something by hand in my notebook I started to doodle in earlier today. I have been having internal problems and have been trying to sort through them. I wanted to type up what I had written.

What is wrong? Sometimes I just want to get up and be able to leave whenever I want. I want to go out and be wild. I hate worrying about every little thing. I want confidence in myself & my life and also in my husband & child. I love them both very much. Sometimes I just wonder what it would have been like to not have a kid and have a husband who was the same before we married. I conceal too much. I hate being scared. I want guys to oogle me. I don't necessarily want to have other relations. I just want to feel wanted by other guys & by my husband. Most of all by my husband. I want to be that girl he wants to be around always. That girl he wants his guy friends to oogle over & be jealous of HIM! How do I get these things? How do I stop worrying? I HATE being the party pooper. I want to change that. I want to be fun, wild, and the life of the party without really changing who I really am. Sometimes I am jealous of Michael & all the time he gets with him at work. And Derek still enjoys partying with him! How do I get that? I want to know why I am so stressful to him that I don't get time with him. I need to work on me. I need to work on my body. I need to exercise. I need to tan. I need to get out. I need my friends more often than I get time with them. I need help with Sean, but not in the way everyone tries to help me with him. I want time & space. I want to be able to give into my impulses & treat myself. I need to be able to stand up for myself & speak my mind. I also need to let go of certain things. I NEED TO HAVE FUN. I want to enjoy life with whatever I have and with whomever I am with. I feel like I need a change in my life. I need something different to try and help me find whatever it is I am looking for. I am thinking of getting a job to be able to have fun with & not worry with my outward appearance (hair color & tattoo wise) too much. I know I need to work out & help tone my body to be able to wear the cute outfits I want to wear. What am I going to do? I need to change so I can not be stressed as much, depressed as much, & just enjoy life. I want this. I need this. Now I need to start putting it into action. I need to start changing so I can be able to be happy with life. If life hands you lemons, make lemonade -- I need to start living by it, starting now.

That is what I wrote. This is how I used to write, but I had lost touch with it. It may just be kind of scattered but I miss just being able to write whatever is in my head. I really do miss it. I also wrote a poem. I haven't written a poem in years. I will post that later though. I hope everyone has a good Sunday. I am heading to Charleston with my best friend to try and de-stress myself. I am going to just live life and not worry.

Yesterday, June 7th, I got into an accident. Yay for me. Haha. Not really. I am glad it was just me in the car. It isn't too much damage. It is more than I was hoping for (after we popped the hood). Here are the photos.

All he had was a tiny dent and some paint residue on his truck.

The view of the hood while I drive.

After taking a hammer to the fender, just to be able to pop the hood, we noticed that my windshield wiper reservior is damaged. That seems to be about it though.
 

I am okay. The people in the truck were okay, it was even someone I knew from high school. Haha. I got a two-pointer and $80 for a fine. I am okay with that. I am just glad that my car is the only damaged goods. Now we gotta save up and try to fix her before my road trip to Jacksonville, Florida... because this was the vehicle we were going to take (June 20th is when we planned on leaving). If it's not fixed, I'll take Nikki because we aren't going to start tearing her down until we get Ursela fixed now. She is going to get her brakes replaced because I noticed them starting to squeal that day and was going to have Derek take a look at them when I got hom anyways (ironic, eh?).

I hope everyone had a much more wonderful Sunday than me. I'll be updating on other things in life later (my sister graduates today, my parents getting sued basically by their previous landlord, and more information on buying the house we're in).