Sunday, 28 June 2009
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I need a change.
I sat down tonight and wrote something by hand in my notebook I started to doodle in earlier today. I have been having internal problems and have been trying to sort through them. I wanted to type up what I had written.
What is wrong? Sometimes I just want to get up and be able to leave whenever I want. I want to go out and be wild. I hate worrying about every little thing. I want confidence in myself & my life and also in my husband & child. I love them both very much. Sometimes I just wonder what it would have been like to not have a kid and have a husband who was the same before we married. I conceal too much. I hate being scared. I want guys to oogle me. I don't necessarily want to have other relations. I just want to feel wanted by other guys & by my husband. Most of all by my husband. I want to be that girl he wants to be around always. That girl he wants his guy friends to oogle over & be jealous of HIM! How do I get these things? How do I stop worrying? I HATE being the party pooper. I want to change that. I want to be fun, wild, and the life of the party without really changing who I really am. Sometimes I am jealous of Michael & all the time he gets with him at work. And Derek still enjoys partying with him! How do I get that? I want to know why I am so stressful to him that I don't get time with him. I need to work on me. I need to work on my body. I need to exercise. I need to tan. I need to get out. I need my friends more often than I get time with them. I need help with Sean, but not in the way everyone tries to help me with him. I want time & space. I want to be able to give into my impulses & treat myself. I need to be able to stand up for myself & speak my mind. I also need to let go of certain things. I NEED TO HAVE FUN. I want to enjoy life with whatever I have and with whomever I am with. I feel like I need a change in my life. I need something different to try and help me find whatever it is I am looking for. I am thinking of getting a job to be able to have fun with & not worry with my outward appearance (hair color & tattoo wise) too much. I know I need to work out & help tone my body to be able to wear the cute outfits I want to wear. What am I going to do? I need to change so I can not be stressed as much, depressed as much, & just enjoy life. I want this. I need this. Now I need to start putting it into action. I need to start changing so I can be able to be happy with life. If life hands you lemons, make lemonade -- I need to start living by it, starting now.
That is what I wrote. This is how I used to write, but I had lost touch with it. It may just be kind of scattered but I miss just being able to write whatever is in my head. I really do miss it. I also wrote a poem. I haven't written a poem in years. I will post that later though. I hope everyone has a good Sunday. I am heading to Charleston with my best friend to try and de-stress myself. I am going to just live life and not worry.
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Comments (7)
Wow that is exactly how I feel. We don't have kids yet but everything else is exactly how I feel. My problem is when it comes to putting how I feel in to action. I always screw up at that part. If only it was as easy just to do things as it is write them.
@kedward6@xanga - Yes, I tend to use this saying a lot, "It is a lot easier said than done."
I think I went through the same stage about 6 years ago. I just wanted to stop living in the mold that my life was. So I broke the mold. I stopped living by artificial rules.
@lilwetduckie - Yeah, I keep going these periods where I am like "OMG I need to lose weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I really mean it and know I definitely do not just to feel better or look better. No, I know I need to do for my health. It is extremely unhappy physically and mentally for me to be the weight I am. I get extremely motivated. It only last a week or a month tops. I tried to get my husband to hold me accountable, but he does a horrible job. It is hard to stay motivated when someone is always wanting to go out to eat or never will go walking with you. It sucks!
I think you should go for that job. I think it would really offer you a lot. And I dont think you should wait for it. Based on all of the pictures I have seen, you already have a great body so you shouldnt feel like you have to wait until X to do it.
@der_lila_Stern@xanga - Thank you, that is sweet. :) I am getting in touch with a girl who used to have the job I am looking into (it is just a shooter girl at a club), to see what it has to offer and what kind of tips she got and all that lovely stuff I would like to know. Wonder if the money is worth the touching I'll get. Hrm.
@lilwetduckie - Im not sure that you really have to worry about people touching you. A lot of places like that have bouncers that will throw people out if they are touching the girls when they arent supposed to.